Khalil Gibran on Parenting

Jeej and Nido, here are words I wrote based on a previous post. Since you are a cross-cultural blend of East and West, I thought it may encourage you as you blend the best of both cultures in your parenting, as you do in your marriage! God bless you as you begin the journey of sacrifice called parenting! :D Kinzi

Khalil Gibran on Child Rearing

I am saddened at times when I hear my friends quoting the latest from Oprah, Dr. Phil or Super Nanny as the ultimate gospel in child-rearing technique. As good as some of it is, it is definitely Western advice, suiting the current cultural trends and values of the West. When we read about problems in American schools such as shootings, drug use, and promiscuity, I wonder if these techniques (and those used the generation before) are really that effective. When I was young, the threat of a swat on the behind from the school principal kept the trouble-makers in-line; and that was when talking back to a teacher was a major infraction.

Perhaps we would do well do go back to wisdom from the East for fresh look at the foundations of parenting. Although born and raised in California to Anglo-Saxon parents, these were the words we were taught as children:

A woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “Speak to us of Children.”

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

My pre-hippie Bohemian parents raised us not according to any religion, but the words of Khalil Gibran. Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel at home in the Middle East. I love this imagery…children as living arrows meant to fly, parents as the steady, stable bow. The Almighty God, standing behind the parents to bring both the stability and the ‘bending’ needed to prepare the arrows for flight. He, actively involve, close, guiding both, loving both in the process.

My parents took this passage to an extreme, encouraging independence before I was ready, as reaction to the control they felt from their parents. They chose to run from the stability and ‘bending’ of the Almighty. As a result, when we were finally shot out, two of us wanted to get so far away we crossed oceans and never returned. When I did find faith in God, I saw the inspiration of these words of wisdom from the Psalms and was able to return to the bows from which I was sent.

But I have also seen parents here in the Middle East who manipulate children into false dependency, not allowing them to truly fly: only far enough to meet the needs of the parents who can only find their identity in their children. Many parents try to create their children in their own image, either stretching or squashing the potential of the emerging individual. Arrows, by design, are not meant to stay in the quiver forever. They are meant to fulfill their destined purpose, aiming for their mark, soaring perhaps even far from the bow for a time. Bows, conversely, cannot be rigid and unyielding if the arrow is to succeed in flight. The bow does not bend by itself; it must be bent by another source to provide enough tension to release the arrow.

How extremely important to remember children are not our possessions, they do not ‘belong’ to us. We house their bodies for a relatively short time, and during that time we carry the heavy, but joyful responsibility of training, instructing, loving and empowering them. The time of releasing them is inevitable, and although we hope that they will return often to receive from the love and wisdom we continue to offer, the future belongs to them.

Oftentimes parenting is tension-filled, and we would rather ignore the ‘bending’ that comes when our children put us under pressure. It is easier to ignore, rather than confront, the heart motivations behind their wrong behaviour. It is also easier to deal in behaviour modification with them, rather than shepherd the hearts of our little lambs. But without a change of heart directing our children to their mark, obedience can be just a form of manipulation to avoid consequences. I myself am not finished learning the life-lessons provided by God through my children, and if I am yielded to His correction, my children will be more willing to learn from my example. I am thankful for the reminder provided by this well-loved Lebanese sage.

My job then, as a person of faith in parenting, is to become a student of my child, and of the One who lovingly guides the bow. But it seems that once I understand and ‘master’ one aspect of child-rearing, they have ‘mastered’ being reared and we are both at a new level! Which, of course, keeps me where I belong: on my knees before the Giver of Life seeking strength, stability and wisdom!